음악 (music) & too much thinking

went to see Epik High in concert last weekend.  they're a super talented hip-hop group.  three guys - Tablo, Mithra, and DJ Tukutz.  they were awesome!!!  they played lots of oldies plus some songs from their new album, [e].  best is their music video for the first single, 따라해 (Wannabe).  it's a parody of the movie The Host.  super funny!

went with a friend - we had seats in the 7th row, right behind all of the video equipment, news media, family.  it was an interesting place to sit, though next time we want to get standing tickets and hang out closer to the stage.

mithra and tablo.

Dynamic Duo and Drunken Tiger both performed mid-way through the show.  wh00t!  both are hip hop groups.  no photos of DD, sadly, but here's one of DT.  Tiger JK (standing center) is freaking awesome.

finale.

i'm going to the R16 world b-boy championship this weekend.  would love to go all weekend, but will just be there sunday.  will see a lockin and poppin 2 on 2 challenge  and an awesome hip-hop concert with more Epik High and Drunken Tiger.... excited! 


am working more.  did a voice recording today - am the voice of a new samsung robot vacuum cleaner.  ~LOL~  random!


have been grappling with identity issues lately.  i think i might be in mourning for my lost korean self.  it sounds cheesy, but lately, when i'm out walking, going about daily business, i feel like i've died.  sounds horridly dramatic, but i don't mean to be dramatic.  it's hard to verbalize this feeling.  aaaaaaagggggggghhhhhhhh, it just... it feels like part of me is dead, dying, invisible, inaccessible, absent... don't know the right words.   >_<


i used to be so happy when i walked around outside.  as long as i didn't open my mouth, i fit in.  it felt so comfortable.  


i guess after going to school last year and burning out, now i can't pretend as well.  i have a better understanding of what it would take to regain that Korean part of me that was lost when i was adopted -- and i believe that even if i completed the language program, continued studying afterwards, married a native korean, and lived here for the rest of my life, i'd never completely fit.  my thought process, my values, my ideas, my walk, even my laugh, they're all too American, too Western.  


it bums me the fuck out.  


for the record, i'm not dissing being american.  i just can't figure out how to reconcile my looks with my insides, if that makes any sense. there's a major gap.  i've been white for so long... i'm barely Asian-American, let alone Korean.  


AND, what do i do when R & i have kids?  they'll be half Korean.  how can i help them be in tune with their Korean selves when i can't figure it out for myself?  what will i teach them?  even after 3+ years here, i know so little.  


so.  enough for now.  i've got some work to do.  thinking, working through some grief, some anger, some sadness, some panic, some judgement.  


deep breath.